Epiphany (sorta)

I had an extremely weird experience this past weekend that lead to a weird epiphany of sorts, I think. But I’ll get to that.

So, as is probably already aparent, I self harm, have done so for years, and had not labeled it as anything bad until this past year or so. It’s just kind of something that I do…some people always write in cursive, some people always read the sports section of the newspaper first. Me, I always bite the skin off my fingers. Nothing weird about that O_o

Anyway, generally I have good days and bad days, as I’m sure most people do. Some days I don’t do anything, and my fingers and arms get a welcome chance to heal. Other days, not five minutes go by without some part of my body getting scratched, bitten, torn at, or stabbed. This past Saturday was a remarkably good day…the weather was warm and the snow was melting, I was feeling pretty damn good about myself, and I hadnt bled at all that day. Then, for no reason at all, at 11:30 at night I suddenly realized that for the past 15 minutes I had been sitting on my bed biting like crazy and removing freckles from my arms with my fingernails. Thats not the weird part though.

The weird part was the sudden rapid-fire thought sequence I had while sitting there. I can’t recall exactly what I thought about, but it was fairly straightforward and essentially ended with me realizing that I have aparently always wanted to feel what getting a piercing would feel like. I don’t have any piercings, and, to be very clear, I do not want body jewelry of any kind, nor have I ever. But, I wanted to feel what it felt like to get a piercing.

So what did I do? I thought it over, mulled it around, and decided that the health risks involved with giving myself a piercing - potential infection, complications, and lack of proper tools - vastly outweighed any perverted benefit I would get from doing something like that.

HAHA JUST KIDDING. I pierced my ear with a sewing needle I pulled out of my mom’s sewing kit.

Here is the exact procedure I used: I found a thin sewing needle, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and a lighter. Next, I went into the bathroom and ran the needle through the open flame. Then I wiped the needle with alcohol to get the detrius off, and, bracing the back of my ear with a bar of soap, I slowly pushed the needle through my earlobe.

After it was through, I sat in the bathroom, on the edge of the tub in fact, just kind of listening to the pain resonate through my brain like some sick symphony. I didn’t take the needle out for about 5 minutes, and only then cus I noticed it was starting to swell. It actually hurt alot less than I had thought it would.

And just to restate, I never had the intention of making a permanent hole in my body. I don’t want a piercing. Right now, my ear is currently healing expeditiosly and healthily. So far, nobody has noticed the small scab.

Anyway, we now (finally) get to the epiphany-ish-thing. While I was sitting there with a neelde through my ear, I had the sudden realization that, really, we only have one body. Our souls might live on after our bodys have decomposed, or perhaps they die along with our bodies, I won’t get into that argument now. But one thing that I can say for certain is that we only have one body in this world, and the damage I do to my body may take years to heal completely. Some day I want the scars to fade, the aching to vanish…someday, I realized, I really do want my body to forgive me for all of the shit I’ve done to it. And I realized that, if that is ever going to happen, I need to start now.

So, for the past few days, I have been on a major “my body is my temple” type of kick. I’ve been carefully excersizing, eating healthy, and doing whatever else I can think of to try and be as body-concious as possible. I have not stopped the self harming…I don’t know how to stop, it’s so ingrained in my daily habituation that I don’t think I can right now, and when I do it will be after a long battle to get there. But, for now at least, I feel as though my health routine gives me, if nothing else, then at least a piece of mind.

And finally, in a desperate attempt to try and make sure this health kick doesnt turn in to just another phase that will eventually be destroyed by fast food and soda, here’s my (new) daily routine. Maybe if it’s up on here it will convince me to stick with it.

• In the morning I have two cups of tea: a cup of black tea for the caffein kick, and a cup of green tea cus its good. The green is double steeped, with straight unprocessed tea leaves for the first and processed flavored tea for the second.
• I also have a cup of orange juice or cranberry juice and some vitamins, and a bowl of cereal.
• For lunch I have a couple pieces of whatever the cafeteria is serving. This is generally not strictly healthy, but its more the fact that its food.
• Usually between lunch and the end of school I snack on lunch leftovers, which are generally either pretzels or spicy pretzel chunks.
• When I get home from school I re-steep the unprocessed green tea, this time without a double steep. I also have a cup of black tea or chai. (My family is really big into tea…we have lots of different kinds and flavors, all of it very special direct-from-the-plantation stuff. I’m not sure exactly why, since I’m the only one in my family that drinks it regularly)
• After doing some homework, I try to go outside for a little bit. I have a theory: being outside for any length of time is infinitely healthier than sitting on your ass inside all day.
• On certain days, after that, I go to Taekwondo for some exersize and anger management.
• After TKD I come home, do more homework, re-steep the unprocessed green tea for a third time (always three times in a day), and play with my bird before putting him to bed.
• Finally, after dinner, and usually around 10:00pm, I do a quick cardio workout in the basement: windsprings on a cycle or something like that. Then, once I’m all exausted and sweaty, I have a milk with Carnation Instant Breakfast Nutritional Powder of Doom (my mom’s a nutritionist) and take a second, quick shower.
• Then I go to bed. Or try to. Usually I end up staying up for a little while, which is probably that healthy, but I’m workng on that.

That probably doesnt seem like an incredible, health-nut livesaving list, but what’s important to me is the fact that I do that consistantly every day. Once I establish it as habit, I can build on it. Till then, I’m satisfied with that.

And, this is a LONG post. Just thought I’d point that out.

To see this post in full context and with available background information, check out http://statetheradio.wordpress.com/

Stabby Days

This is from a couple days ago on http://statetheradio.wordpress.com/, I forgot to put it up here. Sorry =/

Today was a stabby day. I’m not sure why. Well, actually I have some clues.

When I woke up this morning my whole body seemed to be protesting being alive. I actually felt pretty cheerful, but physically I was not in tip top shape. My face was swolen and hurt really badly, I think because I’m allergic to wool or down or something in my bed. I could barely open my eyes, which also hurt. And my jaw KILLED. I think that is because I slept on my stomach and I think when I do that I clench my jaw.

All this is actually pretty normal for me waking up, but it was more extreme this morning.

Then when I got into the shower my foot cramped so badly I nearly fell over. It has been doing that on and off for the past week or so, and when I asked a friend who was a military medic for 30 years what he thought might be wrong, he said I might have a stress fracture. I don’t know how I would get a stress fracture in my foot…I’m not very physically active at all, my daily excersize usually consists of playing the fiddle.

And then [k] came over for a ride into school and sprinkled some salt on the morning wound. Like usual.

And, rightmeupnow: YOU ARE SO RIGHT I don’t know why I can’t get myself into gear enough to do it. I have plenty of excuses but none of them are legit.

So today was a stabby day. I didn’t actualy stab anybody, but I came pretty damn close. Fucking mainer shithead. He was reaching into my jeans pocket to try and get my car keys and he almost lost his hand when I pulled a ninja move on him - I slid out of my chair and onto my knees so that the pocket kind of closed around his hand and trapped him cus he was at an awkward angle anyway, and then I grabbed his wrist and twisted it nicely around. He’s terrified of me now I think.

And also, I guess this is a pretty pointless post, but its the first time I’ve felt this shitty in a while so I thought I’d mark the occasion. Cheers.

Happy March!

Hope you remembered to say “rabbit rabbit rabbit” this morning!

^ that is what happens when I eat one of those toxic Fun Dip things at 11:30 pm.

…I think I’ll call him Larry.

Anyway, I don’t really have anything particularly important to post about, so this is definitely going to be a fairly weak shadow in comparison to rightmeupnow’s last few posts (which were just…awesome =] ). First, just want to give a big thanks to everybody who’s been reading/commenting/etc. We broke 1,100 hits yesturday, and even though thats nothing compared to most of the blogs out there, its still a really cool milestone.

I dug this next bit out of a notebook from a year or two ago, and it kind of applies to where I am right now, so I’ll copy it over and then maybe elaborate.

There’s a very painful difference between writing and not really having anything to say, and having something to say but being unable to articulate it. This extends into the desiderata as well. Often, when we are at a crucial junction in our lives, we can find it very difficult to find the right words, and conversely, when we find ourselves in a relative state of calm or ‘forward movement’, we may have all the desire and capacity in the world to write and have nothing of significance to say.

In the end, though, if under either circumstance a piece of writing is produced, it matters little what state of thinking the author was in when he produced it. What matters after the pen has marked the page is the content and quality of the writing, for under either circumstance both great works and literary trainwrecks can be created.

Really, then, the only difference between the two is the one percieved by the writer. If the writier can master conveying the feel of either one of these states of mind while experiencing the opposing - and not necessarily purposefully - then this writer has transcended the root of this dilemma, and for him now, though the dilemma may still exist, it has ceased to be apparent to his readers.

Also, my bird has discovered that if he pecks a certain button on the computer it causes it to go into Hibernation Mode. Since discovering this 15 minutes ago, and despite my best efforts to stop him, he has managed to send the computer into hibernate 3 times. It is making it VERY DIFFICULT to write.

[see this post in full context at http://statetheradio.wordpress.com/]