Dedicated to...

I was actually going to write a happy little post about how awesome people are, because I was in that kind of mood. “was” being the key word. Instead, I’m gonna post something I found on an ancient relic of a website that hasn’t been updated for 10 years. I’ve been listening to a song that my friend wrote and we recorded recently, and even though its a rough mix, for some reason listening to that song while I was reading this archaic website clicked something inside.

The website is about a boy that killed himself. This is his suicide note, as posted by the website:

Dear Alex,
It’s difficult to know where to start,
but I’ll do it by saying sorry. I’m sorry I
left you, I’m sorry I broke the promise. You
helped me so much, but when pain reaches the
limit it all means nothing. You know that.
Next I want to say thank you. You
dedicated your life to me, and I failed. You
were my shoulder to cry on. You got me off the
sh*t, but here I sit pumped full of it. I’m
not as strong as you.
I have written a note to my mum telling
her everything. I wanted her to know how much
you helped me.
Sorry, and I love you.

Darren

According to the website, it was written by a mid-teen to his boyfriend, on Friday, February 6th, 1998 . The website, created about 9 months after the boy Darren killed himself, was created by Alex, to whom the letter is addressed. The website goes on to explain that he [Alex] believes the reason Darren killed himself was because of all the shit he took about his homosexuality, but also says that it never was, and never will be, really clear. It can’t be doubted, however, that the abuse he took because of his sexual orientation had some part in it.

I can’t begin to describe how furious and sad this makes me. It reminds me horribly of a kid I knew very briefly named Max who killed himself.

I have a quote, which I have written inside every notebook I known and have now memorized, that embodies this. I’m having difficulty articulating at the moment, so I’ll end this post with that quote:

“We are a special people, surviving a silent holocaust. I cannot tell you how many bright youngsters I know, both directly and indirectly, that have taken their own lives because they were not heterosexual. Those people who push these bright kids to extinguish their own flame far before their time, they are evil beyond human measure. And those silent souls who die sad and alone, they are the true angels of the world.”